Dear Coach Paul:

My wife and I have two young sons (11 and 8). My wife clearly favors my older son over my younger son. What should I do? I have tried talking to my wife, but she doesn’t see it (I think she doesn’t want to see it). I am hesitant to talk to my son because I don’t want him to be devastated by the truth. Please help!

California Dad

Dear California Dad:

I am so sorry to hear that this behavior is going on in your home. Good for you for asking for help. My advice to you is to have a conversation with your son (sooner rather than later). In this conversation, ask him two things: “What do you notice about how mom treats you?” and “How do you feel about it?” Believe me, if you’ve noticed it, your son has noticed it too. And he more than likely thinks that the reason that his mother likes him less than his older brother is because something is WRONG WITH HIM. As awkward or difficult as this conversation may be, you need to reassure your son that your wife’s behavior toward him is not his fault. You don’t want to be disrespectful to your wife with your son, but you do want to let him know that he is a likeable young man. Don’t be afraid to open up the dialogue with him and get him started talking about those things he is probably keeping inside. You can become the other voice in his head that reminds him of the value he brings to your family and his worth as a person. Let me know how it turns out and please keep me posted.

Warm Regards,

Coach Paul
www.lifechangingcoaching.com

“And if your home is just another place where you’re a stranger, and far away is just somewhere you’ve never been. I hope that you’ll remember, I am your friend.” – Rich Mullins

Dear Coach Paul:

I can’t help but feeling depressed about the way things are right now. I will be graduating from business school in a few months and there don’t seem to be any more jobs out there. I’ve spent all this time and money preparing for a future that is no longer bright. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed so that I don’t have to wake up and think about it. Do you have anything you can tell me that would make me feel better?

Claremont Grad Student

Dear Claremont Grad Student:

I’m sure that you’ve learned about expectation theory in graduate school. As a reminder, this theory states that the world (people, relationships, etc.) usually turns out the way that you expect it to be. Not because that’s the way things are, but because that’s your perception of the way things are. So the first thing that I would tell you is to expect better things for yourself. I know of several good companies that are growing and looking to hire talented people even during these tough economic times. Don’t get sucked into the doom and gloom that is being peddled by the mass media – it’s their job to paint extreme pictures. Instead, expect that when you graduate, there will be several employers out there looking for the value that you can bring to their organizations. And then keep looking for them until you find them. When I am interviewing people for a job, I can spot the pessimists from miles away. Before they open their mouths they have told me that they don’t expect to get hired – and I have always obliged them. The fact that you reached out and asked for help tells me that you have a good head on your shoulders. So use that head to finish your graduate program strongly and get started now in networking and looking for your new job. I wish you much success!

Warm Regards,

Coach Paul
www.lifechangingcoaching.com

“And if your home is just another place where you’re a stranger, and far away is just somewhere you’ve never been. I hope that you’ll remember, I am your friend.” – Rich Mullins

Dear Coach Paul:

My teenage son is shy and doesn’t seem to have a lot of friends. His father and I want him to spend more time out of the house, but he doesn’t seem all that interested in social activities. What should we do? We don’t want to damage his self-esteem, but we also want him to develop social skills.

Dana Point Mom

Dear Dana Point Mom:

It’s very likely that your son has a preference for introversion. If that’s the case, then he is probably getting more than enough social interaction at school, which drains him. So when he comes home, he needs the solitude to recharge his batteries. As long as he is not being anti-social (spending all of his time in his room, avoid contact with everyone, including family members), not having a lot of friends is okay. As he gets older, he will find one or two close friends with whom he will begin to establish deep and meaningful relationships. I commend you for not wanting to push him into becoming something that he isn’t, while also looking out for his long-term welfare. You sound like wonderful parents – keep up the great work!

Warm Regards,

Coach Paul
www.lifechangingcoaching.com

“And if your home is just another place where you’re a stranger, and far away is just somewhere you’ve never been. I hope that you’ll remember, I am your friend.” – Rich Mullins