Now that you are familiar with your decision-drive preference, you should find that making decisions comes easier as you bring your behaviors closer in-sync with your true preference for judging or perceiving. Making joint decisions should come easier, as well. With the insight you have into others’ decision-drive preference, you can meet them at the table on their own terms. Here are a few other things to keep in mind to improve your interactions with people of the opposite decision-drive preference:

Judgers…

• Give perceivers the space and time they need to make decisions. Don’t rush them simply because you have a need for closure.
• Be flexible about changing a decision if a perceiver presents you with a better option.
• Don’t be afraid to give spontaneity a try with your perceiver friends.

Perceivers…

• Respect judgers’ time by avoiding late arrivals to meetings and missing deadlines.
• If you share a workspace or living space with a judger, try to be more organized and tidy.
• Practice closure with your judger friends and colleagues. Create short to-do lists and accomplish a few tasks before starting new ones.

That brings us to the close of this month’s preference and the conclusion of the decision-making preferences altogether. Your three preferences for gathering information, evaluating information and decision drive together inform how you make decisions big and small. Remember, those preferences are for

1. sensing-intuiting
2. thinking-feeling
3. judging-perceiving

Keep your three decision-making preferences at the front of your mind when a big decision is at hand. When faced with a choice, ask yourself if you are collecting the right kind of information for you; pay attention to your method of evaluating that information; and respect the amount of time and space you need to make the choice based on your decision-drive preference. When you do, you won’t feel uncomfortable with your decisions or stressed by the process. When you live in-sync with your preferences, you’ll feel as though you’re on the right track forward.

What do you think?

Coach Paul
www.lifechangingcoaching.com

“And if your home is just another place where you’re a stranger, and far away is just somewhere you’ve never been. I hope that you’ll remember, I am your friend.” – Rich Mullins

Most of you men reading this blog may have been uncomfortable these last two weeks with some of my recommendations: Tell your sons you love them. Hug them. Don’t just assume your sons, brothers, father or friends know how you feel. Tell them and show them with words and actions. This advice may be 180 degrees from what you’re used to. Today let me share with you a real-life example of just how powerful affirmation and affection can be.

One of my clients, an Army colonel, came to me with a problem. The problem, he said, was his son. The colonel has three kids: a 17-year-old son, the eldest; another son and his youngest, a girl. His 17-year-old, who had always been a good kid and a straight-A student, was suddenly having trouble at school. His grades had fallen terribly and he had shut down at home. Apart from the most minimal communication – a terse “how are you?” and “I’m fine” – his son wasn’t speaking.

First, I congratulated the colonel for seeking help. Then I added, “But before we talk about your son, let’s talk about you.”

So I asked him what he did to show his daughter that he loved her. He said, “I tell her all the time that I love her.” I asked him what else. “I hug her and tell her she’s my little princess no matter what.” Then I asked what he did to let his sons know he cared about them, too. “What?” he asked. “We’re men – we don’t have to express those things.”

We talked about it for awhile, and the inconsistency with which he treated his daughter and two sons became pretty clear to him. But the way he treated his sons was all he knew. That’s the way he was raised, and he never considered doing things any differently. But now his son wasn’t communicating, and he worried that the problem would get worse. So I offered him a challenge: As much as you can, hug your son. Be positive and affirming in your words. Tell him, “I will love and respect your opinion for not wanting to talk right now. Know that nothing you say is going to make me less proud of being your father.”

The colonel looked at me in disbelief but agreed to take a stab at it.

After two weeks, the colonel came to me frustrated. “It’s not working,” he said. “I hug my son. I tell him I love him. He still won’t open up.” Well, I wouldn’t let him get off the hook that easily. “Colonel, are you telling me you’re already ready to admit defeat? If you’re in battle, and you’re applying a new strategy, when are you going to give up on it?” For 17 years, the colonel’s son had seen one side of him. Two weeks of Mr. Nice Guy weren’t going to convince a disillusioned teenager that his father had really changed. “Stick with it, colonel,” I encouraged him.

At week three, the colonel came in beaming. “Guess who talked to me yesterday?” The colonel’s son told his father he finally felt like part of the family. The falling grades, the refusal to talk – those problems were just symptoms of the real issue, which was that the colonel’s son had fears about his future. He didn’t want to join the Army and didn’t know if his dad would still love him if he didn’t. He didn’t know because his father had never told him or shown him so. Consistent hugs and “I love yous” made all the difference.

For the colonel, everything changed. “Now I hug him and tell him I love him all the time,” he told me.

When things appear to be on an even-keel in a relationship, it’s easy to assume that everything’s okay. It’s easy not to communicate. It’s when a serious problem crops up that it becomes clear just how important laying a solid foundation of verbal and physical communication is. If you’ve never communicated your caring before, when things were good – in clear verbal and physical ways – how can you expect to communicate when problems arise?

This month’s blogs have been dedicated to men and fathers. That’s because many of us – much more than the females in our lives – struggle with this kind of active communication. But a few words, a few affectionate gestures, go a long way. Now let me offer you a challenge, like I challenged the colonel: Prevent future conflicts in your relationships, and heal old ones. Do so by using your words and actions to show the people in your life you care.

What do you think?

Coach Paul
www.lifechangingcoaching.com

“And if your home is just another place where you’re a stranger, and far away is just somewhere you’ve never been. I hope that you’ll remember, I am your friend.” – Rich Mullins

Now let’s peel back the negative labels that perceivers may apply to judgers. What’s really going on with judgers when perceivers see them as too trigger-happy, obsessed with productivity or as know-it-alls?

Too trigger-happy. Perceivers may be unnerved at the quickness with which judgers make decisions; they may even see such behavior as irresponsible. But judgers are used to making decisions rapidly and tend to be good at it. Judgers can be a good influence on perceivers, as well, helping them to move from the decision to the action phase.

Obsessed with productivity. On this point there is a fundamental difference of opinion between judgers and perceivers on what constitutes enjoyment. Judgers place a high value on productivity, and while it may be hard for perceivers to believe, judgers find pleasure in accomplishing their to-do list. “Work first, play later” is their motto. This doesn’t mean judgers are robots; it just means they need to make a dent in their to-do list before they can relax and have fun.

Know-it-alls. Judgers need closure to reduce their own stress. That can move them to jump into decision-making mode in group settings. They may take on the role of leader without authorization or without considering others’ needs – behavior that can irk perceivers who see judgers as having inappropriately taken control of a situation. Perceivers, recognize that judgers may not be aware that their actions have offended you and don’t be afraid to express your needs and viewpoints to them. To allow judgers a sense of control, you could suggest they create a to-do list or maintain milestones for a project, rather than take full control.

Again, let’s go back to Monday’s blog about the managers Greg and Jim. Jim, a perceiver, took offense at Greg’s quick assumption of a leadership role in their project. To Jim, Greg (who is a judger) came across directive and controlling when he showed up to their first meeting with a short list of locations for a conference and suggested they choose from those options. To resolve their conflict, Jim should express his concerns to Greg. Additionally, he could suggest Greg propose a calendar of deadlines for the project in order to at once feel more productive and keep the planning process on track.

In any conflict between people of opposite decision-drive preference types, there is often a middle ground between the potential extremes of each preference. By recognizing the power of preference, you can strip a conflict of its personal dimensions, allowing the resolution to become that much clearer. This isn’t just sound advice for the workplace; try putting this idea to work with friends, relatives or your romantic partner. You’ll find that your joint decisions will become smoother to make and better for the both of you.

What do you think?

Coach Paul
www.lifechangingcoaching.com

“And if your home is just another place where you’re a stranger, and far away is just somewhere you’ve never been. I hope that you’ll remember, I am your friend.” – Rich Mullins