This month we wrap up our work on discovering your personality preferences: for reenergizing, making decisions and communicating with others. This next month we’ll move into exploring dreams and creating what I call your life vision. But first, I’d like to congratulate each and every one of you: You’ve done a lot of hard work to get here, and you should be very proud of yourselves. Most of you are probably reading this blog alone – over a cup of coffee at your home computer, on your lunch break at work or while on the road on your Blackberry. So it may sound strange for me to speak to you, all of you readers, as a group. But I want to draw attention to this group because it’s an important one – and you may not have even known that you’re a member.

Go back a few months, and you may remember how we talked about the importance of creating a support network of fans – individuals and groups who truly support you and your goals. Trying to move forward all on your own (so-called self-help) is a futile effort, because at the end of the day we all need others to encourage us on our way forward and hold us accountable to our goals. Our fans and groups can do that for us. Whether you were aware of it or not, you – the readers of this blog – form a group that each of you can lean on for support. Although you are scattered across the country and may not know one another, yours is a shared experience.

What do I mean by that? As you’ve taken this journey to understand your personality preferences, you may have realized that it’s not always easy to explain to others in your life about preference types and the importance of living in sync. Even though your lives and goals are distinct and unique, all the readers of this blog have been on a similar journey as you. You all have an understanding of the meaning of preference, staying true to your nature, intentionally and unintentionally masking preference, and living in sync. You understand what it means to have a fan club and to have a healthy mix of the three relationship types – giving, receiving and mutual relationships. In other words, you share a common language.

I encourage you to start thinking of this blog not just as a daily coaching column but also as a meeting place – a place where you can ask questions, find answers and share experiences. This is a group that can become a unique part of your support network as you go forward in examining your dreams and developing a life vision, as well as a plan to accomplish it. So I’d like to encourage you – all of you – to reach out to one another here. Post a comment, pose a question, share an obstacle, help encourage someone else along. You may find one of your greatest supports is a group you didn’t even know you had.

What do you think?

Coach Paul
www.lifechangingcoaching.com

“And if your home is just another place where you’re a stranger, and far away is just somewhere you’ve never been. I hope that you’ll remember, I am your friend.” – Rich Mullins

The information you have about your preference for communication and the preference of others around you should shed light on any communication problems you’ve been having lately, or even chronically. After all, communication doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Both people always bring something to the table. With the knowledge of your own preference and the opposite preference – the positives and the pitfalls – you don’t have to go into a situation blindly anymore. Now you can make a conscious choice about how you communicate, with whom and with which method.

Don’t just take my word for it. Try this knowledge out. Can you get over an impasse with a colleague at work by switching your communications approach? Can you diffuse an argument with a sibling by communicating according to their preference for direct or indirect language? When you reach a point of frustration with a service provider – the cable or phone company, for example – can you shift your method of communicating to put the other person at ease and get what you want without a fight? The answer to all these questions is that, yes, you can. But it may take some practice.

Moving between the two communications preferences is not always easy, particularly for someone who is very clear about their preference and accustomed to communicating in primarily one way. We all use both direct and indirect language at one time or another, but the key is to get command of both methods and consciously employ one or the other as circumstances warrant. You want to be true to your preference most of the time, but you also want to be fluent in the other style, as well – so practice!

Think of how you would naturally make a request. Then play with the language (on paper or out loud) until you’ve molded it into the opposite style. If you are a direct communicator, try taking a request such as “clean the living room” and softening it into something like “The living room is messy. When you get a chance, would you mind helping pick up the mess?” Or if you are an indirect communicator, rather than simply offering information such as “the kids have soccer practice today,” clarify the request with direct speech such as “I have to work late. Could you pick up the kids from soccer practice?”

The work you’ve done this month on your own communications preference, and what you’ve read about both preferences, should provide you with the tools you need to become effective at communicating in both styles. If there is a concept that you are unsure of, remember that you can go back through this month’s blogs and revisit a topic; everything is archived here for that reason. You can always contact me directly with your questions, but don’t hesitate to reach out to the community of readers by posting a question in the forum (you can do so anonymously). Together, we’ll move forward.

What do you think?

Coach Paul
www.lifechangingcoaching.com

“And if your home is just another place where you’re a stranger, and far away is just somewhere you’ve never been. I hope that you’ll remember, I am your friend.” – Rich Mullins

Do you recall earlier this month when I asked you to keep a journal or notebook of the way you make requests? Jotting down how you made requests of others at work, at home and in your social life should have given you a clearer picture of your preference for communication, either direct or indirect. This exercise can be equally effective at helping you decipher the preferences of others in your life.

Why would you want to know that information? The answer is simple: When you know others’ preference for communication – for example, the preference of your boss or employees, your spouse or romantic partner – you will be able to communicate with them in the way they can understand best. And when communication flows smoothly, you’re more likely to get what you need to help you move forward.

For the next week, pay attention to how others in your life ask for the things they want from you or other people, and keep a log of their language. Start with a couple of people who are closest to you, or begin with someone with whom you’ve been having communications problems. Try to write down the phrasing and the context in which they said it. At the end of the week, review these requests and align them with what you know about the preferences for direct and indirect communication.

Here are some questions to ask yourself as you review the week’s notes:

• Has the person explicitly asked for what he or she wants?
• Has the person compelled someone to do something, rather than invited him or her?
• In moments of conflict, has the person been direct?
• When interacting with people the person doesn’t know well, has he or she been direct?
• Has the person been direct when giving feedback?

If you answered “yes” to all or most of these questions, the person in question likely has a preference for direct communication. If not, here are some more questions to ask yourself:

• Does the person tend to provide information and expect the other person to interpret that information as a request?
• Has the person softened the language of his or her request to invite, rather than compel, someone to do something?
• In moments of conflict, has the person been indirect?
• When interacting with people the person doesn’t know well, has he or she been indirect?
• When giving feedback, has the person been indirect?

If you answered “yes” to the questions above, then the person in question likely has a preference for indirect communication.

(Remember that direct means the person has made a request in clear, straightforward language. Indirect means the person offers information but an implied request is being made. People with a preference for indirect communication may also use more passive language when making requests.)

When you tune into others’ preferences, you can make an informed choice to intentionally mask your communications preference in a way that best suits the situation. This is an important skill to learn; it can become one of the most powerful tools you have to move you toward your goals.

What do you think?

Coach Paul
www.lifechangingcoaching.com

“And if your home is just another place where you’re a stranger, and far away is just somewhere you’ve never been. I hope that you’ll remember, I am your friend.” – Rich Mullins